So it’s only been 10 months since my last post. Oops? The truth is my SeaWheeze training was going terrible, I was gaining weight, and aside from the occasional race and November Project I wasn’t really running much.
After a few weeks of not being anywhere near where I should’ve been with my training runs I just flat out gave up. Fast forward to July or so. I was miserable. I hated how “slow” I was getting. I would randomly burst into tears at NP and nearly have a panic attack because I was so upset with myself, my weight, and how hard everything felt. A couple friends were pacing the 1:50 group at SeaWheeze, so in an attempt to put in minimal effort during the race and avoid being disappointed with my time had I actually raced it, I ran with them.
September should’ve been a turning point. I applied for Boston. I got in. I still barely ran. It was torture. I felt like I was dying, would look down at my watch and see my pace, and wanted to quit right there.
By the time October rolled around I was like SHIT. This race is in 6 months. I started to run a little more. A little. It wasn’t really until January when lululemon and Strava had a run challenge, so duh, I could totally run 80 km in 2 weeks for prizes. Nailed it. The week after the challenge was over my marathon training began.
This training plan is hard (thanks Gals Who Run). Really hard. Especially when you’re piling on NP and one or more Group X classes per day on top and your knee has been bugging. Me = not smart. I’m wrapping up the 4th week of training this weekend. My speed is coming back, but for some reason I don’t believe it. I see my pace and think “there is no way I’m running that fast. The GPS must be off.” I upload it and everything looks fine, but I’m still swallowed by self doubt. I’m not really that fast. I’m going to fail at my workout tomorrow. I don’t think I’m going to be able to run a marathon. Why am I even trying to PR? I’ll be lucky if I manage to re-qualify. I’m not going to re-qualify. I’m not good enough. I’m not skinny enough. I might actually die at this race.
So yeah, I’ll be spending the next 8 weeks stressing the F out because my brain is not nice. That’s where I’m at. I just needed to get it all out because I literally talk to no one about these things. Awesome.