You learn something old every day…

Perhaps it’s me needing to read things thoroughly, or I don’t know, just remember things I’ve read years ago?

At the end of my night shift I was chatting with a friend about our training plans (made by the same person) and how they make us want to die. I mentioned how my next long run was 15 miles – with a 5 mile tempo run in the middle. Of course my reaction when I first saw it was “Are you f&@#ing kidding me?? How is that even possible? This is surely how it all ends. That can’t be right!”.

You see, when I first read through the training guide I saw “tempo” and “30 seconds faster than goal marathon pace”, so on all my tempo runs I have done a ~1 mile warm up (if that, and definitely not at a warm up pace) and then ran at the tempo pace for the remainder of the run.  When I went back and re-read the whole thing, suddenly everything I had once known came rushing back. Oh right, you actually run easy for a solid chunk at the beginning, slowly build up to tempo pace over the next 1/3 of the run or so and hold it for ONE TO TWO MINUTES, then bring it back down for the rest of the run. Just like I read on Runner’s World or whatever 2-3 years ago.

Well. Shoot. I thought when I cut the tempo portion of my run a little short last Thursday that I was a quitter, but it turns out I was quite the over-achiever. Or just stupid. It was supposed to be a 45 minute tempo run. After 36 minutes I was like F. This. and stopped to take a breather before “jogging” the remaining mile home as a cool down. I even logged it as a separate run so it wouldn’t mess up my average pace and make me feel like a loser.

My splits from last Thursday’s run. Serious WTF to mile 2.

Not only was the AVERAGE pace faster than it should’ve been (I was shooting for 7:20), I also held that pace for 34 MINUTES longer than I should have. *Slow clap*

I’m really glad I discovered this before the 55 minute tempo run came at me. That would’ve sucked. No wonder I was doubting myself so much – these runs felt so impossible that I was seriously starting to re-think my race goal. Turns out I was just doing them wrong. So, so wrong.

So there you have it. Reading is imporant and stuff.

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I Am Terrible At This

So it’s only been 10 months since my last post. Oops? The truth is my SeaWheeze training was going terrible, I was gaining weight, and aside from the occasional race and November Project I wasn’t really running much.

After a few weeks of not being anywhere near where I should’ve been with my training runs I just flat out gave up. Fast forward to July or so. I was miserable. I hated how “slow” I was getting. I would randomly burst into tears at NP and nearly have a panic attack because I was so upset with myself, my weight, and how hard everything felt. A couple friends were pacing the 1:50 group at SeaWheeze, so in an attempt to put in minimal effort during the race and avoid being disappointed with my time had I actually raced it, I ran with them.

September should’ve been a turning point. I applied for Boston. I got in. I still barely ran. It was torture. I felt like I was dying, would look down at my watch and see my pace, and wanted to quit right there.

By the time October rolled around I was like SHIT. This race is in 6 months. I started to run a little more. A little. It wasn’t really until January when lululemon and Strava had a run challenge, so duh, I could totally run 80 km in 2 weeks for prizes. Nailed it. The week after the challenge was over my marathon training began.

This training plan is hard (thanks Gals Who Run). Really hard. Especially when you’re piling on NP and one or more Group X classes per day on top and your knee has been bugging. Me = not smart. I’m wrapping up the 4th week of training this weekend. My speed is coming back, but for some reason I don’t believe it. I see my pace and think “there is no way I’m running that fast. The GPS must be off.” I upload it and everything looks fine, but I’m still swallowed by self doubt. I’m not really that fast. I’m going to fail at my workout tomorrow. I don’t think I’m going to be able to run a marathon. Why am I even trying to PR? I’ll be lucky if I manage to re-qualify. I’m not going to re-qualify. I’m not good enough.  I’m not skinny enough. I might actually die at this race.

So yeah, I’ll be spending the next 8 weeks stressing the F out because my brain is not nice. That’s where I’m at. I just needed to get it all out because I literally talk to no one about these things. Awesome.